Kelsey in Paradise

Seeing yourself for everything it is, and choosing to not change one single thing

There’s a strange & deeply transformative practice when gazing at yourself and choosing to not look away.

Recently, this became necessary, especially after a rib injury (seriously, these are no joke + take forever to heal…)

When we go through pain of any kind, it’s in these moments when we have to take a good, hard look at ourselves. During moments of pain, it’s helpful to already know how to reflect.

Looking at yourself in a mirror — either literally, metaphorically, or relationally — and knowing you are what you have, and you can either choose to love it (faults and all) or not.

Everything is a choice, especially accepting yourself.

what’s a mirror?

We all have them, even if we find the reflection process difficult + painful:

• in our homes — our bathrooms, common rooms, spoons as we dine, glasses where we drink.
• what we consume — our shows, books, music, food, what we select into our most intimate state.
• who we have around — the people in our lives, how they respond & react, as well as how we react ourselves.
  

The important part is to benefit from them, each one in its necessary way.

When someone reacts to something you do or say — how do you respond? What was their reaction and what is it trying to offer you?

What do you reach for to consume — is it healthy or supportive to your lifestyle? Is it growing your mind or feeding your anxieties?

When we look into our reflection — are we proud, disappointed, sad? Do we recognize the inner child that wants our love & support, or do we divert our eyes as quickly as possible?

Living on purpose

Every few years, I light my life on fire.

It’s usually because staying the same is more uncomfortable than the fear of not knowing what’s next.

And sometimes growth can’t happen without the ash. In it are necessary nutrients that sustain new life. (Hi, it’s me, I’m a phoenix.)

To find what your purpose is, though, you have to go through a reckoning. In this, you have to look at yourself honesty, with so much love + care, and painfully peel back each layer.

In each upheaval (I’ve officially counted, this is ego death #4 in under 40 years), I’ve learned more and more about myself:

• what do I enjoy, what gives me pleasure, what fuels me forward — ex: music, my relationships, nature, animals, helping others
• why I stay in places and environments too long — ex: afraid to be alone, people-pleasing, getting value by what I do for others
• how I show up for myself and those I care about — ex: being vulnerable, setting boundaries, focusing on reciprocation vs transaction.
  

Over (almost) 40 years, I can confidently say each ego death gets easier. They still feel painful, challenging and consuming, but you trust the process more and more each time.

With this current one, I’m finally learning the art of patience, trust in the unknown, and relying on myself to tackle everything that comes my way. Months ago, I don’t think I could’ve said that.

Being afraid and doing it anyway

With the recent passing of both Dolly Parton & Gloria Steinem, they carried themselves with such purpose in everything they did.

They not only paved the way for change from a place of love and respect, they also lived and breathed everything they believed in.

And I’ll bet you all the money that’s left in my bank accounts they were:

• Ruthless with their boundaries & access
• Charged with an inner fire
• Trusting of where they were guided to go

None of that comes without reflection and being honest with where you are, how you got there, who do you let around, and the most important — why.

We’re all terrified of seeing the person in the mirror and feeling guilt, shame, anger, sadness, bitterness, or more.

We’re all terrified of being vulnerable, being hurt, left, abandoned after sharing parts of ourselves — the ones hidden in the shadows and behind the mask.

So we look for certainty. We wait for the “right time” and stay sitting on the sidelines. We seek stability and don’t push ourselves toward what deeply excites us. We let people get “close enough” and when they get too close, we flee.

Instead, I think it’s better to act anyways, especially when fear kicks in.

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what I’m spinning

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what’s here & upcoming

I’m still streaming each week, and I’m really loving this routine! I hope you can make it some time.

If you can’t make it live, you can always subscribe + watch the songs I’ve broken out from the streams on my channel.

While I’m not in Austin these days, I’m building up my routine and finding new places to play: Thursday open mic at the Copper Fiddle Distillery, and lately, Tuesday open mic at Book Club (the old Elbo Room) in Chicago. Both feature an eclectic group of folks, but I love the difference in how they give back to the musicians:

• Book Club — it’s a complete raffle and it lasts all night. Meaning: you enter your name and they pick from the pot every 2 or 3 performers. Essentially, you don’t know if you’re going to go up until they pick from the pot. Bonus: if you get selected, they record video + audio, sending it to the performers via email FOR FREE.
• Copper Fiddle — everyone gets 15 minutes, enough for 3 long songs or 4 short ones. There are songwriters as well as those only doing covers. Every other week, Rob (one of the hosts) livestreams everything to Facebook. Bonus: I work here most Friday and Saturday nights, so if you’re in the area, come by and say hi!

I’m preparing my fall and winter calendar, a mix of gigs in Chicago, Austin, and maybe places in-between. Want me to come to a place near you? Comment below or email me!

xoxo,

Kelsey in Paradise