The many lives we could’ve lived — and almost did
Sometimes I like to imagine the other lives, the ones I could’ve lived if I had made different decisions:
- What if, after running my first marathon, I fell in love with it so much that I became a professional marathoner? Would I be running marathons like it’s my job or coaching others?
- What if I stayed in a relationship, with someone I fully believed I wanted to marry, someone who didn’t even know I wrote songs? Would I have shelved a life I hold very deeply for one I only built because I should?
- What if I adopted a baby pink boa constrictor while I was in college? Would I be now known as the “pink snake lady,” traveling to events or performing with a snake 20 years later? (btw: what a brand opportunity!)
Each has its own timbre. Its own tone and style. And one isn’t necessarily bad compared the other; they just stem from different choices.
I don’t like to live in the “what ifs” – unless I’m feeling anxious, but that’s a totally different story. Instead, I like to consider the thought experiment: what other lives am I living based on different choices?
everything is choice
We think our life is a series of big moments, choices, and experiences. We wait for the grand gestures, we cling to the dopamine hits and the adrenaline, waiting for the next big thing.
But each day includes many small moments we don’t often think about. These are the moments that make up our life.
It brings back flashbacks of an old Simpsons episode, “Time and Punishment” (Treehouse of Horror V), where Homer fixes an old toaster and accidentally creates a time machine. He goes back and forth, trying to create the “perfect” life by making small changes in each transit back to the land of dinosaurs. (There is also one transit where he sneezes, completely wiping out all of the dinosaurs and remarks, “well, this is going to cost me.”)
Of course, this is both comedy and complete over-exaggeration, but it shows how choices swirl around us every day, and we are the ones making decisions (whether we’re conscious of them or not).
When we are striving to “perfect” our life and our future, we focus on the risks of making a decision, so much that we decide not to make a decision. Indecision is also a decision.
clarity comes from making choices
Using an earlier alternate life example – if I hadn’t run a marathon, I wouldn’t know that I never want to run one again. I’d probably do a half marathon, but a full 26.2 miles?
No f***** way.
The only way to know what we like, don’t like, want, don’t want, enjoy, not enjoy is making a choice.
It’s in walking the path and experiencing it that we learn how it feels and if it’s aligned.
When we don’t make a choice, we are letting our fear of the unknown or making the “wrong” choice keep us from experiencing what we need to in order to know what we want.
In a my last post, I wrote about how I’m the one who kept myself back from doing all the things I wanted to do, particularly with music. For a long time, it was safer to not do it vs being rejected or failing when trying.
It was safer to have indecision or paralysis than to put myself out there, afraid of the response I’d get.
Instead, by being so afraid of the outcome, we self-sabotage and end up with the very outcome we were afraid of in the first place – it not working out.
You don’t have to commit forever
Choices aren’t often set in stone, too. Okay, there are some that are, but most are fungible. Most can handle iterations or saying, “actually, this isn’t for me anymore.”
When deciding to livestream from my mom’s basement, I initially set a goal to do this 2x per week with two different vibes for the content. After doing this for exactly 1 week, and getting to experience the context switching between both versions, it dawned on me how unnecessary it all was.
I was about to have double the content, which at first, may sound good to a world that needs content from artists. But this was overwhelming and had zero need to be.
Everyday choices are asking us:
- When do you want to wake up and go to bed?
- What do you like to eat throughout the day?
- Who do you want to be around, or do you want to be alone?
- What do you do naturally and how can you make more space for that?
Most of us run these aspects of our life completely on autopilot, but I think it’s an underrated experience to not look at our routines and what we enjoy doing.
For instance, the contents of the livestream are already part of my Sunday routine: I used to go to an open mic every Sunday afternoon or I would play songs with friends (or alone) for enjoyment. Now, I simply cast it to YouTube and bring others into my very normal experience.
I don’t commit it to forever – I let it live for as long as I’m enjoying it. Because I’d rather go with my desires than be controlled by my fears.
what I’m spinning
Glen hansard: The wild willing (2019)
I’ve seen the movie Once and I’ve apparently enjoyed Glen’s music as a singer-songwriter. However, it wasn’t until his recent passing when I plunged into his discography.
Particularly, it was This Wild Willing that jostled my innards around. After giving it a couple of full listens, I read more about the making of the album, and I’m even more obsessed. For his fourth album, Glen wanted to discover new creative direction, saying “I’m frustrated with the sound of a singer-songwriter in my own music.”
So he:
- picked up Ernest Hemingway and he became Glen’s Parisian tour guide
- anytime he wrote the words “heart” or “love,” he had to replace it with a much different word (and one I won’t add here, and instead offer you go look for yourself)
- bought and repaired old mopeds
- drank a lot of wine
- collaborated with Iranian musicians who were also visiting Paris
In my first listen of the album, I remember thinking: “this doesn’t sound like Glen at all” which fascinated me. It was ethereal but also had an electronic and eclectic style to it.
Favorite lyric:
“I can’t change your mind / leave all we did behind / keep you turning on yourself”
what’s coming up
It’s my birthday today!
So, to celebrate, I’m officially throwing myself a driveway concert at my mom’s house with me + others performing. Does this check out since I’m a Leo?
I’m also continuing my Sunday Streamies weekly livestream, which you can subscribe or be notified to not miss out on all the fun.
I only leave them up (and unlisted) for a few days. The goal is to make it feel like an actual gig, us benefitting together in the experience. For instance, let’s use each other as accountability buddies! I’m streaming to keep a promise to myself, and maybe you want to do the same.
Have anything you’re putting off or want to get done to make your upcoming week better? Let’s do it together!
Well, thank you for reading + being with me for a moment while I write this out on my birthday.
See you soon!
Kelsey in Paradise
Kelsey in Paradise 
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